bhíodh · druíocht · ann · sa · tseana-shaol
...there was magic in old times...
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I feel like I should have a lot to say. so much has been going on, i haven't had time for a breather in the past few weeks. surprisingly, I haven't had any major breakdowns either. i came close, but i never cracked. and that means something. everything that's been going on has been rather redundant, packing, cleaning, planning, money. cycling. i've kind of withdrawn, i guess. i think about tons of stuff, but i don't say it. i don't know why. i don't want to hurt anyone? i don't want to admit to myself that i might have feelings? it's frustrating, not knowing. i'm beginning to wonder what's going to happen after i leave. will i cry? will i forget anyone? how bad will the culture shock be? will i wish i were home? who will i miss the most? i suppose i'm just afraid of being disappointed. "She said she usually cried at least once each day not because she was sad, but because the world was so beautiful and life was so short." - i found this on a birthday card at beans and barley saturday.
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my life coach contacted the financial aid office about doing that field school this summer. diane amour (my indian student advisor) told me i wouldn't be qualified for summer financial aid because the field school isn't a uwm offered course, and if i wanted to take an independent study i would have to pay extra tuition but i would qualify for fin aid then, but if i just transfer the 6 credits i can't. well, natalie (my life coach) spoke to the study abroad fin aid advisor and SHE said that i qualify for $3500 in summer financial aid (all loans, but who the hell cares?). that would leave only $500 left that i have to cover, and the life impact program has an emergency fund that might be able to give me that money. now i just have to see how much aid i'm getting for the semester. but it seems like i can do this! money might not be my biggest problem anymore! i have to wait until monday to go into the financial aid office and talk to this woman to make sure i have everything straight....but damn, it's working out now. i'm crossing my fingers and praying on my knees. goddess please! thank you so much. i need to find my tobacco pouch now to lay down thanks to the creator. i haven't done that yet, but i will as soon as i get home.
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fucking midterms! fucking midterms! end already! right, i have one this afternoon, two next week, on top of that archaeology midterm i have to resubmit for a better grade (i got a C+ by the way). then the next week i get to have my wisdom teeth pulled (oh joy!) and the following week i have my anthro lab practical (i almost wrote "lap practical"), and then finals start the next week. fucking fucking exams. this semester has been the worst ever. two months to go. only two months to go. it feels like too much time, but not enough. how does that work? i want to start packing now but it seems ridiculous cuz i still need a lot of stuff, need stuff out and unpacked so that i can like - well, have clothes to wear for one thing. so much shit to get done before i leave. too much shit. my to-do list is a mile long. so not cool. i'm so tense right now. not the "comfort me" kind of tense, the "i need an effin punching bag, hit the wall till my knuckles bleed" kind of tense. the "i want to make someone cry" kind of tense. inactivity is bullshit. i've been waiting around for other people to decide what's going on. i need to take action! rise up and fight the heathens! goddess, now i'm just rambling. i don't know where half this stuff is coming from. it's kind of just....whatev, say what comes to mind, no time to think...yeah.... i'm gonna go to work now. you all have a nice day...
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i just booked my flight. i leave at 6pm on January 13th from chicago. i'll arrive in dublin on the 14th at 7:20am. at least that's one thing off my mind now. i have bigger things to worry about. very big things.
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i'm not okay. i'm really not okay. i'm fucking stressing out. breaking down. system overload. does not compute. it's not okay. goddess, can anyone loan me $100? i'll pay you back when i can. my school's stupid and not giving me proper information. and i need to buy a plane ticket asap. ugh, can someone hold me now so i can cry? is it my turn yet? when will it be my turn?
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i'm so sad. i'm raiding my dad's cd collection for new music, and realizing that i should have done this a long time ago. some of the stuff i've found so far: also, i ordered rhea's obsession - between the earth and sky, because i need it before i leave. well, i don't NEED it, but i want it. and it's only like - $12, so it's cool. anywhoo - i'm feeling really down right now. you know that feeling where you think you have everything figured out, and you're really hyped about life, and then you find out that no, you don't really have it? it's really sad and depressing and i seriously was about to cry. yeah - ireland. i'm beginning to think i can't go, because i can't afford it. because my fucking school is fucked up and stingy when it comes to money. this is fucking bullshit. i need to hit something.
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we went shopping today, because we needed to go to a consignment shop and then decided we might as well take care of some business since we were out. boston store was having a huge sale. and we had coupons! total score. i bought the coolest purple luggage for $50! it totally made my day. if i didn't have coupons and they weren't on sale, it would have been $190 for the set. rock on anna, rock on. now i'm kind of worn out, but also kind of jumpy. i want to go party but my eyes are droopy. and i can't ask vicki to babysit anymore. this bites.
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so i was online looking at travel sites and whatnot and trying to plan my pre-trip trip. well...i'm going to scotland first and i'll be staying with marisa's family in ayrshire for a week, then they're going to see me off to the ferry so i get to dublin on time on the 15th. if i get the plane ticket, since i have to wait until this afternoon to purchase and i really hope it isn't snagged before then, i'll be leaving the 7th of january. i hope john gleeson doesn't get upset that i'm only buying a one-way ticket, but whatev. this is so cool.
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